Goo Goo Ga Ga

Hey.

There are so many things that try to discourage us. Or, me. Probably you too. i'm sorry if there are. Today i felt as though i let down a friend. Long story short, someone made a dig and i didn't stand up for them. i didn't stay - i walked away . . . but i should have stood up.

And that stinks.

On to deeper things - i'll work out the rest of my mess up tomorrow hopefully.

So, i'm just about finished C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. At the end of this last chapter he starts this example, which i will paraphrase:

"The Three-Personal God, so to speak, sees before Him in fact a self-centred, greedy, grumbling, rebellious human animal. But He says, 'Let us pretend that this is not a mere creature, but our son. It is like Christ in so far as it is a Man, for He became man. Let us pretend that it is also like Him in Spirit. Let us treat it as if it were what in fact it is not. Let us pretend to make the pretence into a reality.' God looks at you as if you were a little Christ: Christ stands before you to turn you into one."

He goes on to say that the "Higher thing always raises the lower. A mother teaches her baby to talk by talking to it as if it understand long before it really does. We treat our dogs as if they were 'almost human': that is why they really become 'almost human' in the end."

What is so great about that is that i can see that in my own life. God is 'pretending' that i actually know what i'm doing and going about His days speaking to me like i really understand. Soon i'll be able to talk to Him too, but for now i really just 'goo goo, ga ga' my prayers and my life to Him.

The best way to learn to cook is to keep cooking. You can't learn to REALLY drive until you get out on the open road. i can only learn to be a Christian by practising, failing, getting up, and doing it all again. THAT i do very well.

Restore to me the joy of your Salvation;
And make me willing to obey you!

Grace All!

I'll Never Think of Pornografitti the Same Again.

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

So, it's not ever day that you learn spiritual lessons from Extreme. Probabaly because they've broken up . . . and they're not at all popular by any stretch of the imagination. And they have album titles like PORNOGRAFITTI.

All that aside, i have learned a little something. More a realization, or revelation, than something new . . . but either way. Next time you hear this song . . . or even now if you want to read it . . . think of God singing this song to you. THAT's how i learned what i learned.

i especially connected with "Now I've tried to talk to you" and me, i seem to ignore it. More often than not. ALL i have to do is reach out my hand and touch HIM. That's it. But i reach for everything else.

So thanks, Gary and Nuno (the two guys from extreme that actually sing and/or play on that song - which is also the reason most of them have said the group has broken up!). Long after EXTREME has been forgotten, God is still using you!

Grace.

PS 51:12

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and make me willing to obey you."

That's pretty much what i've been thinking about all day. Read/Prayed it this morning before heading off to the office (ON MY WEEK OFF) to go over my annual review - no big deal (the review, not the verse; the verse IS a big deal).

God, make me happy that i'm a Christian. Even if it IS a shame that we have to pray that in the beginning . . . it's a good prayer to pray. i'm sick of the view that being a Christian is tragic. i DO believe that Christians have ruined Christianity for the real world . . . that's why i just want to bring Jesus . . . everything else will fall into place.

Make me willing to obey you. That's a VERY important realization. There's something in us that makes us want to rely on God for everything . . . but at some point WE have to DO something. We have a role too. We have to show God that we love him. We can't expect HIM to do the work that WE signed up to do.

Good verse.

Other news includes: Looks like the marriage will be what brings us together in MARCH of 2005 - those are the most fluid concrete plans you will ever read; Apartment is shaping up nicely - i actually slept on MY OWN bed (instead of a futon) for the first time in 2 years; met some cool people tonight (Frank/Krista) and will probably be playing a bass gig with them soon (October); Kristy and i own two bar stools (black legs with wooden seat, and read seat cushions); i have four gold fish.

Grace to all - i think I may start getting deep in these again. Just a warning.

A New Era

Well, Kristy is no longer my girlfriend. After six years, i decided to call it off. really, i was just tired of that phase of my life.

So, i gave her a ring and asked her to marry me.

Yup. It's official. She's finally my finacee and not just my girlfriend any more!

i'm pretty stoked! Kris, you're an AMAZING person and i'm SO happy to officially be spending the rest of my life with you!

i guess you've all figured out she said yes.

Home (kinda) at Last!

So . . . i'm writing this for the second time because for some reason, blogger decides to delete everything for no aparent reason. i won't complain any more, i'll just go on and write. It's probably just Satan anyway. Jerk.

First. i'm FINALLY into my own place again. It's SO nice. i've been living with great friends of mine, but i was more than ready to stop imposing myself on them and get back out, making some attempt to be an adult. Kristy and i are splitting the rent and she doesn't even live here 'til we get married in x number of months from now.

Granted, we have no furniture so it's bare . . . but it's ours.

Secondly, the deep stuff. i've been listening to this cool preaching CD. Talks about how the gates of hell can't stand up to the power of God. Makes sense. i've heard/read that many times before. Yay. God wins. What else is new?

BUT, this guy talks about how the gates of hell suggest a defensive position. Gates don't attack people. SO, if the gates of hell are crumbling, or will crumble, it MUST mean that GOD and HIS people are attacking the gates. GOD is on the offensive.

NOW, how many times have we complained about how 'Satan is attacking me' or something else like that. i'm starting to think that that is just a pile of pooh (see last post's joke). We need to be on the attack with GOD, storming the forts of darkness, attacking the gates of hell. But, oh now, we're all sad cause big bad Satan is whispering in our ear. If we would attack there'd be so much activity that we wouldn't be able to hear Satan's little whisper. For Christ's Sake (don't get mad; if you think about it more deeply than surface, it's not swearing!), we need to be actively pursuing GOD, making an effort to be closer to HIM, and not waiting for HIM to come looking for us. He's the creator of the universe, the Savior, our LORD. I think HE deserves our attention! We (me included) need to stop being sissy cry baby whiners and start seeking God's face!

CHARGE!

Those Sweet Words

Round 'n round
Carousel
Has got you under it's spell
Moving so fast...but
Going nowhere

Up 'n down
Ferris wheel
Tell me how does it feel
To be so high...
Looking down here

Carnival Town
Norah Jones

For the second time now, i've been able to see Norah Jones in concert. Mmmmmmm. Nothing is wrong in the world anymore. It's just SO relaxing. Granted the soft blue lighting and mood music didn't hurt. She's amazing. i told Kristy that if anything ever fell through between her and i, Norah is the next person down my list.

And from that concert here's a joke from Mr. Adam Levy, guitarist. Ahem . . . .

Knock, knock
who's there?
Pile Up
Pile Up Who?
HA HA, you just said PILE OF POOH!

So many highlights, so little time. Also, if you get some time, check out this new guy, Amos Lee. Very cool. He opened last night - great acoustic, folky, relaxing sound.

Peace All.

Happy Birthday, Kristy!

Today, Kristy is 24 years old! Happy Birthday! i love you very much! You can probably figure that out by my over-use of exclamation points.

i also filled out an appliacation for a new apartment, real close to work, real nice, real home-ish. Coffey Creek - figured it had to be a sign. Now if i could only get my hands on some $$$$?

Life is good.

i've been reading a lot of the Psalms lately and i've realized that at least i'm not the only one who has high and low points in my faith. David would write about how GOD has been protecting him and slaying his enemies one minute, and later, he would be asking GOD how long he would be forgotten? What is that?

i mean . . . i do the same thing, don't get me wrong. i blame GOD all the time for things that i have to take responsibility for. it's just nice to know that i'm not the first one . . . and that I can learn too.

Grace to y'all.

My Hair . . . My Beautiful Hair

So, yesterday, i had my first hair cut, in about 3 years, i figure. Two with my head shaved, and just about one year of growth. It cost as much to cut my hair ONCE as it did to buy my clippers. Weird.

i also get to drive to Greenville, SC today to meet Marty Mikles to pick up my bass and other items. That's not so bad. i miss my bass, it'll be good to get it back.

i'm in and out of the office - it will be nice to be one or the other. It will also be nice to have a place to live. I have a lot of prayer requests . . .

Maybe i'll go pray.

I Waited

i'm as close to home as i can be. Today i test drove my first official Tim Horton's Coffee Brewer. Mmmmm. Sweet Tim Horton's . . . takes away the pain.

So does Jesus. This is what He gave me today:
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet on a rock, and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord."
Psalm 40:1-3

i prayed that prayer today. It's my story.

Please Turn Off All Electronic Devices

Well . . . after 17-ish days in Oklahoma, i'm finally back in North Carolina. It's nice. Granted, i did have a great time playing my bass ALL DAY EVERY DAY for SEVEN DAYS! i don't really have a home at this point . . . so that's a little annoying and/or bothersome. The rest of my life is pretty much still up in the air. In any case, i'm sure that GOD has got it all figured out already. So, no worries.

A few interesting trivial facts that i've learned today. On my flight, i sat next to a pilot for a frieght company today. He was just getting back from Tokyo. Turns out, your cell phone doesn't interfere with on-board electronics on airplanes at all . . . that's just what they tell you so you'll turn them off. He also said that flying is much like driving in that he is often a back-seat pilot. Interesting.

i got to see Kristy today - she made spaghetti for dinner. Mmmmm. And now i'm watching Whose Line is it Anyway? AND they're playing Scenes from a Hat! All after having an amazing week with GOD . . . it doesn't get any better.

Also, singing and praying in an airport can be a very interesting experience . . . especially with 25 young people who are on fire for Jesus. People get 'interested' when stuff like that happens.
Now we just have to pray to stay in this state of mind . . . state of heart, i guess.

There's a lot riding on us staying pumped. Oh that we would FINALLY not live from conference to conference, but that we could internalized all of the things that we've learned and be better examples of Jesus!

i'll keep you posted.

What to do with $150,000?

There is something altogether liberating about committing (with 300 of your closest friends) to raising over $150,000 to help knock out poverty, help other marginalia populations, and worship . . . . All at the same time. I had no idea that for $3,000 USDA, The Salvation Army can build and run a children's home. $3,000 . . . that's it. Especially here in the Southern US, $3,000 is petty cash.

TYI in Oklahoma finishes today . . . tomorrow i travel back to Charlotte. For the first time in a LONG time, i'm excited about going there. But it also means a return to the real world . . . a world that doesn't put the same value on my re-found extremism. i need people to help me keep everything in focus.

And to think, just a few weeks ago, it was still up in the air as to whether or not i was going to be 'allowed' to come. Thank you GOD for working that out!

See you back in NC! Incidentally, if you want to give money to help me build a Children's home for some hurting kids, that would be awesome.

Grace!

A School Girl on the Inside

Why is it that i have to come to Oklahoma to learn how desensitized i've become. Continuing an amazing week of God ripping through the walls that i've put up over the past two years, today we talked about Ezekiel 8 and 9. Read it - but be careful, beecause it's pretty prophetic so it may not be real EASY reading.

"Lemme explain . . . no, no . . . there is too much. Let me sum up."

GOD takes Ezekiel and gives him a whirlwind tour of the temple, and shows him all of the crap that people are doing there. None of GODs people seemed to care that: a) people were hurting and, b) that GOD was hurting.

Danielle used this reference to jump into talking about injustice in the world and how we don't care that millions of children die unnessecarily every day, that people are craving drugs more than life, and that GOD's heart is breaking. Why don't i care?

And i've always been pretty soft. i'm the little school girl hidden inside a grown mans body. And that started when i was four years old, when i saw Disney's Pete's Dragon for the first time, and left the Avalon Mall, in St. John's crying to break my heart that the Dragon had to fly away.

Today i wept because there are a lot of hurting people that i haven't cared about.

my favorite thought of the day: knowing GOD's mind just means you can know religion; knowing GOD's heart is something competely different. Anything we do has to come out of our connection with GOD's heart. i can't bring food to a homeless man to show off my super-pressed, ultra-pasteurized new uniform. i need to bring him food because GOD's heart breaks that there is a hungry man. It's ok to be emotional - GOD is emotional: he both created them and experiences them himself.

Alright - so i won't keep every post as deep as they've been . . . maybe. At least i'll take every opportunity to write other stuff too. It's just been a very deep week for me. In fact, it's probably best if i don't make ANY promises about this stuff.

The More Things Change . . .

i've just been reminded of my past; of who i used to be. Now i realize i need to go back and, for all intents and purposes, pick up from late 2001. Frankly, i've lost my passion, i've lost focus on what i need to be. i'm a Christian who has chosen to live my Christianity as a soldier of The Salvation Army.

i've developed a lot of frustration which has turned to apathy and complacency. i've been so annoyed with what i've seen at our churches that i have become overwhelmed. there was just too much for me to change.

GOD is really doing a lot of work on me this week. HE is dragging me back to where i need to be, to pick up from where i left off. i am a solider. i am the salvation army. What i have complained about, i'm realizing that i am. i am the army. The choice is mine to sit back and complain or rise up and fight. As of this week, i've chosen to fight!

i'm sick of complacency. i'm sick of apathy. i'm angry that i am not more in love with JESUS.
My week here has marked a new beginning, a spiritual rebirth in my life. That's an amazing thought to me. Praise GOD!

What Psalm 91 Means to me

i've always considered myself to be pretty smart, even intelligent. "But believing doesn't make it so!" You say. i agree. Often (much MORe often than not, lately), GOD smacks me in the face with a new understanding of a very old truth that i've misunderstood or ignored or rejected.

i'll back-pedal. Right now, i find myself at Camp Heart O' Hills, in Oklahoma. It's a camp that is run by The Salvation Army where there have engathered somewhere near 300 people for Territorial Youth Institute. It's basically a big youth conference for Salvationists (christians who are salvation army soldiers) all over the south-eastern US. Stephen Court and Danielle Strickland (www.armybarmy.com) are the guests for the week. In worship yesterday, they introduced the concept of 'Praying the Bible'. As you've probably guessed, to pray the bible is essentially saying the words of the bible in prayer to GOD.

For Example: Psalm 91 - "He who dwells in the shadow of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. i will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my GOD in whom i trust.'"
Collectively we prayed this prayer. Incidentally, this also happened to be the passage that GOD used to break me into pieces today. Without eating up this post with my history, just know that i have tried to find 'refuge' in some other places before GOD. i've just felt bombarded with stuff that i don't need and haven't really asked GOD for protection. Until today. Today, as i wept, i understood what it meant to have GOD be my refuge.

The passage goes on to say that "If you make the Most High your dwelling . . . then no harm will befall you. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra." (Verses 9 & 13). Why don't we just go to HIM? First? He promised me protection for as long as i've been old enough to read the bible! The 'lions' and 'cobras' that have hunted me down like prey, i can stomp under my feet if i make the Most High my dwelling (i.e. If i trust HIM, i won't be consumed with evil!).

Thanks God for helping me understand you a little more today.

It's been a good day. i can't wait to see the whole picture that GOD has been painting. Perhaps then it will all make sense.

There is still so much in my life that i need to clean out; there is so much thought that i really have to re-evaluate. i've realized today how bitter i have become at my church rather than taken ownership of it and trying to make an impact from the inside out. i've realized how much that GOD wants to use us, but how easily we get tangled up in satan's lies and distractions.

GOD continues to amaze me. Even when i've not been able to make much sense out of my relationship with HIM, HE at least has been a real friend.

There's so much that i want to say . . . i mean, type. But no one even knows about my BLOG yet? i'll have much more to come i'm sure.

"Because he loves me," Says the Lord, "I will rescue Him."

Day One

It's time to catch up, i figure. This seems like something that i would have done long before now. i have too many thoughts that seem to get lost. i usually write them down on real paper, but that gets lost too, so i figure I may as well let you read them too.

So you get in on my life starting today.

Congratulations.