Growing Up
I never thought I would grow up. I've been a big kid at heart for a long time - ever since I was a little kid, I guess. But I thin, at 27, that I've finally gone and done it. I think I am officially an adult.
My thoughts are much more adult now. The way that I deal with the world is much more adult now. I know now, though I often do not want to admit it, that I am in fact not invincible. That's a weird thought to finally have to accept.
You see, I've never had to deal with mortality. I've been blessed in that my family, all the way up to all four of my grandparents have all had long lives are still with me. So the number of times that I have had people that were at all close to me that I've lost I can count on one hand without using all of the fingers on it.
I don't mean this to bring any one down of course. I know that I'm blessed to be in this situation.
Recently, I've been thinking about death and what it means for me as a Christian. There have been some people loosely connected with me that have been called home earlier than expected and through those experiences God has been dealing with me in some interesting ways. Primarily, in addition to realizing that I've only got a set number of years (maybe 60, maybe 70, maybe 80, who knows?), God has been teaching me to use the time that I have because we never know how much time that is. He's been helping me see that even though I've wasted great deals of time that I could have used to help people, to meet their needs, to serve with the love of Christ on pointless pursuits, I've still got plenty of time to do whatever I can to serve in his name.
I can't say that I'm afraid of my own death . . . I'm just so unfamiliar with it that I don't know what's involved. Kristy and I were talking and many people have this questions dealt with as teenagers - she's in a very different situation than I in that she has had to deal with these questions already a number of times.
I also don't want to eventually come to the end of my life and fear that I have wasted my time. Everything I do should have purpose. Everything I do should be about bringing heaven to earth, defeating hell, building relationships that honor God. Is my day to day life going to be one of those things that I regret someday? Am I doing what I love?
As you can see, I've been dealing with some heavy thoughts lately that have REALLY made me thing and physically (literally) forced me to process them. I continue to deal with them.
Thanks for listening.
Grace,
Des
6 comments:
Thanks for sharing your thought. It's great that you've turned into an adult with these thoughts.
I have a son, a teenager. He thinks he's matured enough. I also think he is. Know what, sometimes, age is not the only standard to check if you're matured or not.
As you said, it's in your mind.
In some ways, I feel as if I'm digressing in maturity. When I was about 15 or 16, I used to dwell on the fact that one day I was going to die. I don't think that far in the future now. I think I'm getting more naive as time goes by. On the other hand, I can't truthfully say my waist is getting smaller.
Praying for the new grown-up you.
As Major Greere would say, "Cheer up! Death is coming."
Life is wierd and awesome. I love the unpredictability of it all. Some days I get so depressed that I don't like to think about how much time I might have left. Other days, I want it to go on forever, just the way it is.
Ultimately, life is awesome.
Johnny
Like Kristy, I had to deal with the death of family members and friends early in life but I don't think that I really thought about death until I became responsible for another human life. All of a sudden I became shockingly aware of how fragile life is...how it was my responsible to keep Caden alive by feeding him, keeping him warm, keeping him safe. When Jay and I went to Miami in January without Caden, I thought long and hard about what would happen to him if we didn't survive the trip...as dismal as these thoughts are, I think you're right about it being a sign of growing up...of realizing how fragile we are as humans, how unpredictable life is and how un-planable death is. It's all very scary and overwhelming. Like Johnny, there are days when I long for heaven...then there are days when I ask the Lord to give me enough time on this earth to experience all the beauty it has to offer. At least as Christians we can rest in knowing that as easily as life can be taken, it isn't random.
Live your life like the perfect eulogy.
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